Our society teaches us that taking care of ourselves first is selfish and a bad thing. I think that’s a bunch of BS.
On an airplane, we’re instructed to put on our own oxygen masks first, before helping a child do the same. If you think that’s a crazy idea, realize that you’re not much help to anyone if you’ve passed out due to lack of oxygen because you tried to help everyone else first.
Apply this to your everyday life.
Taking care of yourself = keeping your cup full. If you don’t do things to keep your cup full, you have nothing left to give or share with others.
This tends to be a tough concept for most women. We’ve been programmed genetically and socially to be the caregivers, to put others first. We think we don’t deserve to take care of ourselves until everyone else is happy.
Guess what. Everyone else is never happy. It’s a pointless quest that does nothing but suck the life out of us.
The Reality of Life: Too Busy
While I usually do a half-decent job of keeping my cup full, the past couple of months have not been the case.
I work a full-time job, have three kids (7, 10 and 12 years old), an amazing husband and animals to care for, and I’ve been working on a side business that I would love to see flourish. While my husband is a HUGE help with the kids, chores and much more (they’re with him all day while he works his own businesses), it’s still a lot for both of us to do.
Things blew up at work a while ago and haven’t quite calmed down yet. This has consumed all too much of my limited energy.
Normally I would get up at 4:30am to have a little quiet “me” time before everyone else wakes up. Starting my day with yoga and a little meditation makes a huge difference in my ability to handle the stresses of the day.
At work, I would take 15 or 20 minutes to go for a walk in the afternoon to clear my head and get my blood pumping. After sitting at my desk all day, it feels great to get up and move around and I come back with a clearer head.
On the weekends I would take time to read things that inspire me and write.
All these things fill my cup. They feed my soul. They make me smile.
Unfortunately, over the past bunch of months, I’ve been telling myself that I’m “too busy” to do any of these things. While this happens every now and then to all of us, when I started doing it every day, it became an unhealthy habit.
I sleep the extra hour, telling myself that I need the rest, all the while knowing that yoga and meditation give me much more energy than that extra hour of tossing in bed.
In the morning I tell myself that I’ll get out and take that walk in the afternoon. I even set up reminders on my calendar that pop up to remind me to walk. I get all involved in solving the latest issue, click the dismiss button on the reminder and say that I don’t have time now, I’ll go in a little while. But that time never comes. The day is over and I haven’t walked.
On the weekends, I get distracted by all the cleaning and projects around the house that need my attention – all the things I didn’t have time for during the week. And I don’t read inspiring things or do anything fun.
As I continue forward, pouring out of my cup to take care of everyone and everything around me, I’m feeling that dry, cracked feeling at the bottom of my cup. It’s bone dry.
And empty cups lead to burnout and breakdown.
I’m more tired with every passing day. I’m angry and frustrated that I haven’t taken any time to work on my business. I feel like I have put my real life on hold and I’m getting a bit resentful.
The whole thing sucks.
In the “old days” I used to blame others for all this. In my head, I created a reality that said that everyone had certain expectations of me and that I had to live up to them, or else. In reality, very few, if any, of those expectations existed but I made others wrong for having them (when they actually didn’t have them). I would get bitter and resentful. That only made everything worse for me and my loved ones.
The Way Out
Today I realize that I have created this mess and only I can get myself out of it.
It’s my responsibility to take the time to do what feeds my soul – first.
When I do this, the world won’t fall apart. People won’t hate me. People won’t think I’m an incompetent loser. People won’t think I’m selfish.
When I do this, I’m happier. I have more energy to care for my loved ones. I’m calmer. My body feels better. My mind is clearer. People want to be around me because I’m giving off good, positive energy.
So the more I do for myself, the more I can do for others. It’s one of Nature’s laws.
I would rather live in a world of happy people expressing their passions and helping others in the process than a bunch of tired, resentful people blaming everyone and everything for their life situation.
Speaking from my own personal, self-interest: Please go out and fill your own cup. I, along with those close to you, will be glad you did.
What do you do to keep your cup full?
What does your life look like when you don’t?
Visit my Recommended Resources page where I post the latest list of books, programs, and products that I’ve found to be particularly helpful in growing your mindfulness and meditation practices.
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The Mindful Living Guide
Hi. Your post hit home. I am on vacation this week. It has been a very, very busy and stressful time over the last month. I am making my priority ….. me. My week will be filled with things, tasks, activities, and time that nurture and nourish me. My “To Do” List will include many things. It may comprise cleaning (because I feel better when I am in a clean environment), gardening (because I love the feeling of hope and endless possibilities when growing things), sewing (because it provides a great creative outlet), cooking foods I don’t normally get to prepare (because I am over the edge busy), fresh air, yoga, visiting with friends I don’t see and welcoming a brand new grandbaby…. 🙂 The list of self nurturing activities is long and chances are I won’t be able to get to all of them. That’s ok with me. The fact that I recognize that there are so many things that help me feel better about myself, my life, my soul…. and that I have a wonderful window of opportunity (vacation)…. that’s the important part. “If mama ain’t happy, nobody happy”.
What a wonderful way to spend your vacation Dori! Relaxing through that time and knowing you won’t be able to get to everything can help you to fully enjoy each moment of each day.
As you savor your vacation, you might consider how you can add some of these wonderful things into your every day. Nourishing yourself shouldn’t be relegated to weekends and vacations. You deserve it! “If mama ain’t happy, nobody happy.”
Hey Paige, I agree with you and your Mom’s theory ” Help someone because you want to help them. If you’re just doing it for some reciprocity (a “thank you” or kind act in return), you’ll almost always be disappointed.”
Unfortunately, I have found that some people just come to you for help and they suck the energy and life forces out of you to make themselves stronger and do not care how they treat you after.
One does not necessarily have to be looking for a “thank you” or something in return. But when the person you just helped (coming out of your guts) turns around and purposely hurts you, this is what I have to learn to walk away from before I help them.
Blessings,
Virginia
Ginny,
I totally agree. Learning the fine art of saying no is another one of those things so hard for most women but it’s essential for living a balanced and happy life.
Being “selfish” about it, maybe ask yourself if YOU will feel better by helping the other person. If the answer is no, don’t do it. They’ll just find someone else to suck energy from. And who needs “friends” like that?
Oh Paige,
I can feel what you are talking about. It hits me in my stomach area and I know how you feel.
For more times than I care to remember, I have given to others from my gut, only to have them feel better and walk away thankless for what I have done for them. Their use for me was done. They felt better and I felt worse. I am not talking about my family here but supposed “friends.”
It is taking me a long time to realize that not only do I need time for myself but I need to realize who is using me and not to help them.
Also, I know what you mean. I tell myself to go to yoga but I don’t. I tell myself to stop eating junk food, but I don’t. I tell myself that I need to lose weight, but I don’t. The funny part is that I would be able to help and insist someone else do all those things but for some reason I cannot allow me take care of me.
The good part is that I am now, at the age of 63, learning that I count. That I am deserving of good things and that I need to take care of myself. I, too, am starting a new business. Trying to get the focus of it is difficult but I love the fact that I am working on me. I stay up till all hours of the night and I don’t mind. I have decided that I am going to be successful in this last chapter of my life and I will be.
And, I take time to be with my children and grandchildren who bring me much joy.
It has taken me a very long time to realize that “It’s My Turn!”
Paige, I think we are on the same page. 🙂
So true Ginny!
I also learned (at a young age from watching my mother) to not expect thanks in return. Help someone because you want to help them. If you’re just doing it for some reciprocity (a “thank you” or kind act in return), you’ll almost always be disappointed. Setting those expectations has always ended in upset for me.
Congrats to you in doing what feels good for YOU. You deserve it!
Like you, I’ve been able to stay up til all hours of the night when doing what I love. If I’m not doing things like that, I crash by 9pm.
By doing what you love, what makes you happy, what lights your fire, you add fire to everyone around you.
You go girl!