I spent much of my life in a haze of depression. Growing up never being accepted for who I was and never feeling like I was enough, despite high grades, awards and other accolades, led to a life of depression.
I was always striving to be the best at anything I did, hoping to prove myself to my parents and anyone who would notice.
I was always looking for the next opportunity, never resting on my laurels or feeling any better.
Because I felt that I was never good enough, nothing was enough. This led to dysfunctional relationships where I couldn’t commit. I couldn’t commit to my partner because I couldn’t commit to myself. I hadn’t learned how to accept myself. I didn’t know how to feel my emotions. I couldn’t be comfortable in my own skin.
This went on for most of my adult life until I started to see the patterns. I started to read books like Conscious Living by Gay Hendricks that helped me to see myself and my world differently.
The process has been like peeling an onion without a center. It’s a slow, evolutionary journey that has brought me much closer to myself.
When I started, I was impatient and just wanted to hurry up and fix myself. The more I realized that this wasn’t the point, the more I learned to enjoy the process. I now know that there is no end. I love the adventure and the joy of learning and growing a little every day.
The Practice that Made All the Difference
One practice that has had the most profound impact on my life has been the act of expressing gratitude.
My practice started about fifteen years ago. I bought a special “gratitude journal” notebook. Each day I would write ten things for which I was grateful. The first few days I found myself repeating the same obvious things.
Since I didn’t think that this would be of much benefit, I set the rule for myself that every day I had to write ten different things. This would get me thinking and motivate me to look for new things.
Quite honestly, this was difficult for me at first. Early on, I would get stumped after three or four things. But I persevered and my lists began to grow.
Eventually, I looked forward to grabbing my notebook and writing about the lists that were already swirling around in my head.
I remember being on a camping trip with my family. I pulled out my notebook to jot down things I was grateful for in the moment. I got so wrapped up in writing that I had to ask my family to go on a hike without me. I ended up writing about three pages of things I was grateful for and how they made me feel.
As my life evolved, with small children and a full-time job, I found it difficult to carve out the time to write all that I was so grateful for.
When taking the time to write was too challenging, I committed to mindfully noticing people, things and events as they occurred and saying a little “thank you” to the Universe as I experienced them.
Whether it was a parking space near the front of the store or the love and beauty in my daughter’s eyes, I said, “Thank you!”
The Power of Baby Steps
Over the years, I have continued this practice every day and it has literally changed my life. My depression has turned to happiness.
This wasn’t apparent initially. It’s like all those other baby steps that don’t seem to be doing much until I reflected back on how far I had come. One day I simply noticed that I’m pretty happy most of the time. This was a revelation for me.
When I do feel a little down, I realize that I’m blessed and surrounded by an amazing family who loves me, I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth, and a million other things I’m grateful for.
And I realize that, if I’m feeling down, it’s a choice. I can choose to focus on all that’s wonderful in my life. I can choose to feel good.
Although I have an hour and a half commute each way to work, it’s a gorgeous drive. After driving it for years, I still take pictures and post them to my Facebook page to say, “Wow! Aren’t I lucky to have a commute like that?!”
Instead of thinking of all that time in the car as “lost time,” I’m grateful that I now have the time to listen to all the books I didn’t have time to read before. I also learn about many new people and books from interesting podcasts. It’s my mobile university of life. It’s also my quiet time if I don’t want to listen to anything but my own thoughts.
Instead of focusing on what’s missing, what’s not enough, I feel like I’m constantly surrounded by the most wonderful bounty that life could offer.
My practice has also changed how I think about myself. By being grateful for all the little aspects of myself that I disregarded before, I learned how to love and accept myself just the way I am.
I am enough. I am perfect and whole and worthy of love and acceptance. I am grateful for that too.
Simple Steps
- Get yourself a special journal where you’ll write your special gratitude lists. If it suits you, get a special pen too.
- Decide on a regular time each day where you’ll sit down to write your gratitude list. Unless you get carried away, like I did on occasion, it shouldn’t take you more than about ten minutes.
- Commit to the process. This is for you and your happiness. Think about why this is important for you. I’ve described some of the beneficial effects the practice has had on my life. There are tons of books and articles from other writers who have shared their gratitude stories and the effects it has had on their lives.
- Every day, write at least ten things you’re grateful for. Don’t repeat anything from a previous day.
- Next to each item, describe how that thing makes you feel. Why are you grateful for it?
- After you’re done, close your journal and take a few deep breaths to revel in the good feelings you’ve created for yourself.
- Set an intention to discover more wonder-filled things in your life that you can write about tomorrow.
You are enough. You are perfect and whole and worthy of love and acceptance. I’m very grateful for you.
What’s on your gratitude list today?
