The kids are 18 and they’re finally out of the house. Or are they?
I recently read that one of the fastest growing sectors in the housing market is multi-generational homes – houses specifically built for extended families. This wasn’t surprising with all the stories of kids leaving to go to college only to return home without hope for a job.
It got me wondering, when did this whole concept of giving the kids the boot at 18 start? There are so many cultures around the world where the generations generally stick together to care for and support each other. Clans and tribes would have disappeared if the young ones always left after a certain age.
Are Kids Really Ready?
Yes, kids generally want to spread their wings and do their own thing once they’re teenagers. In America, we generally think kids are ready for this by the time they’re 18 or 21 years old. But, unless we parents have done a good job preparing them, they’re generally not quite ready by then.
I hear empty-nest parents who say that they were initially sad when their kids left home but they enjoy the quiet, the time to themselves again. Thank god the kids are gone!
My children are all very young so I have a few years before I have to think about these things. I started to wonder if the thoughts of empty-nesters are genuine or if they’re part of our culture’s expectations. We think this because everyone says it, so it must be how we’re supposed to feel.
There are many things like this in our society that we’re supposed to feel good, or at least OK, about but our hearts feel much differently.
In my post on unschooling, I revealed that I think college is generally a big waste of time and money (there are a small handful of exceptions). It creates false expectations that there will be a job waiting for us at the end of that experience and that we’ll be prepared to face the world. Schools generally remove us from the process of being Who We Are and simply imprint us with a message of Who We Should Be.
That being the case, where are kids supposed to go when they’re 18?
My husband and I genuinely hope that ours decide to stick around for a good, long while. We love them. We love watching them explore and learn about the world in their own unique ways. We love how much they teach us. We want to be a part of their lives.
When or if they decide to have their own families or explore the world, we hope they’ll stay close but want them to be happy wherever they choose to be.
Basically, we want them to be Who They Are.
The Senior Sector
Another facet of multi-generational families that seems to be completely missing in American society is how the more senior generations are viewed with respect and admiration. In much of the world (and in America a couple hundred years ago), elders are seen as the wise ones from whom others can learn and obtain wisdom. They’re respected. It’s considered an honor for younger generations to care for their elders. The elders are respected for Who They Are.
In America today, senior generations are simply called ‘senior citizens’ and are treated the same or worse than their younger cohorts in society. Basically, the older a person gets, the more they are seen as a burden on society. Their years of life experiences and wisdom gained from those experiences are tossed aside. Who They Are holds little weight.
Is this due to the earlier issue where kids are essentially kicked out of their homes to go create lives of their own whether they’re ready or not and whether they really want to or not?
We’re taught that, once we’re 18, we have to create our own family or, at the very least, get out of the house. We’re no longer supposed to be a physical part of the family we grew up with. I think this attitude contributes to the lack of respect that younger generations have for older generations.
A Country of Individual Consumers
As kids are kicked out of their homes about twenty years after they’re born, adults are generally kicked out of their homes about twenty years before their death to live in various forms of assisted living facilities.
It’s as if the Industrial Revolution created another master plan to get as many people as possible out on their own so that they could all work more hours for companies that produce more goods and services. And the more people work, the more money they make. And the more money they make, the more they spend.
Everyone has to have their own set of stuff: houses, cars, TV’s, computers and all the furniture and stuff with which we fill our houses. Sharing is generally seen as a negative thing.
A person is only respected when they can be “productive citizens” and the more productive (the more money they spend), the more respect.
Note that I said that people tend to be more respected by how much money they spend, not how much money they make. Our society tends to admire those who have lots of fancy stuff and generally ignores those with lots of money in the bank and average outward appearances. (Check out The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas Stanley.)
In our society, people who are no longer “productive citizens” (i.e. those who have retired from their “productive jobs”) no longer garner much respect unless they’ve amassed enough money to keep spending it into their retirements.
The Return of the Family
So, what’s going on with this new resurgence of multi-generational housing? Kids who either don’t leave the nest or go to college and return? Are we seeing a shift back to the way things were?
I’ve been close to families where kids aren’t expected to leave home until they get married – and some of those “kids” who were still happily living with their parents were in their 40’s.
Some parts of those families still adhered to an unwritten rule that the youngest daughter didn’t marry but stayed with the parents to care for them until the end of their lives. Sending the eldest generation to a home was never a consideration.
As the major systems that we live with – education, government, the economy – are radically changing, our ways of living and our expectations need to change as well.
Living with multiple generations under one roof is one way to bring back our lost sense of community, connection, mutual respect and acceptance for Who We Are. Our families are the core of our communities. It’s where we create our initial sense of belonging.
I’m hoping that the growth in multi-generational housing is one more sign of the localization movement – a movement away from globalization and feelings of disconnection and loneliness, a movement back to feelings of true connection with the beings around us.
In the end, it’s our relationships that truly matter.