Feeling depressed about your future? Is anxiety keeping you from enjoying your life?
Strong negative emotions can smother the joy and happiness that’s always inside you.
While neither of these feelings can be turned off like a light switch, there is a practice that can change your life in dramatic and positive ways over time.
It’s mindfulness.
[If your feelings of depression or anxiety are more serious, you might benefit from working with a professional who utilizes Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) or Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). Both are clinically proven to help those with more severe depression and anxiety.]
How can mindfulness turn your world around? Let’s look at its definition:
Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to and seeing clearly whatever is happening in our lives. It will not eliminate life’s pressures, but it can help us respond to them in a calmer manner that benefits our heart, head, and body.
It helps us recognize and step away from habitual, often unconscious, emotional and physiological reactions to everyday events. It provides us with a scientifically researched approach to cultivating clarity, insight, and understanding. Practicing mindfulness allows us to be fully present in our life and work and improve our quality of life. ~ Mindfulnet.org
In a nutshell, mindfulness is noticing without judging.
In order to notice, you need to pause all the racing thoughts that seem to constantly dance around in your head. It only takes a moment. A breath.
Pausing allows you to be present to whatever is actually happening. It helps you to see the difference between what’s actually happening and the stories you’re creating about what’s happening.
Pause to notice:
- What you’re doing
- What you’re thinking or focusing on
- How you’re responding to your environment
- What stories you’re making up about what’s going on
- How you’re feeling emotionally
- How those emotions feel in your body
The most important aspect of mindfulness is to do all this without judging. This means that everything simply is.
There’s no right or wrong, good or bad, stupid or smart, enough or inadequate, ugly or beautiful. All of that, all the judging, is the story you’re telling yourself. It’s how you’re deciding things are.
If these stories help you to feel better, then feel free to continue with them.
If the stories make you feel depressed, anxious or any other emotion that you don’t want, consider this pause your opportunity to make up a new story.
My Journey
Many years ago I lived with depression. I grew up in a family where it wasn’t safe to be myself or express my emotions. I learned to stuff my emotions down and eventually forgot how to feel them.
I thought that, in so many ways, I wasn’t enough. Regardless of what I achieved, I was never enough.
It took years of therapy, personal development and wanting to change in order to live life the way I do today.
To change something, you have to be aware of the thing you want to change.
Along my journey, the biggest lesson I learned is this:
Nothing in your life changes until you change.
Let me repeat that.
Nothing in your life changes until you change.
Of course, I’m human so it took me a while to figure it out.
Identifying My Patterns
At first, I did what I learned from my parents: I blamed all my problems on the people closest to me and wondered why my relationships were a disaster. If only those people would meet my expectations of them, my life would be so much better.
I think we all know how well that works. Not!
The first time my biggest lesson became evident was when my second marriage hit its first wall. My husband and I were both control freaks, trying to get the other person to be the person we wanted and act like we wanted them to. And we were driving each other crazy.
I started working with a therapist and told my husband that I was putting our relationship on hold while I worked on me.
While that may sound a bit selfish, it’s the farthest thing from it. It was the best thing I could have done for our relationship.
It seemed almost miraculous that the more I changed, the more my husband seemed to magically change into the person I wanted him to be. We didn’t talk much during that period and I certainly didn’t share anything I discussed with my therapist.
By deliberately pausing all the drama that had become part of our daily life, I paused enough to begin to see my patterns. I began to see how my thoughts and actions were contributing to all my problems.
Changing My Patterns
At first, although I could see my patterns, I had no idea how to act differently. I started to catch myself saying the things that had led to drama.
Then I learned to pause before the same old things came out of my mouth. By allowing that fraction of a moment before responding, I often chose no response. I chose to be silent and listen to my husband.
With time, practice and lots of experimentation, I started to put the pieces together to understand the kind of person I wanted to be. Then I took more time to understand how to think, believe and act in ways that led to a happier me.
Every now and then I feel a little anxious or depressed. When I don’t catch it right away, I notice that I try to smother the feelings in a little too much work or a bit too much wine. (Other people choose shopping, eating, drugs or excessively working out.)
As I do these things, I’m now aware of what I’m doing. I’m avoiding facing difficult emotions. I’m trying not to feel my feelings. Knowing how destructive these choices can be and that they never solve the problem, I’ve learned to make new choices.
When I’m anxious, I stop and take a few deep breaths. I realize that I’m creating my anxiety by envisioning a negative future that has little chance of becoming real. I slowly and gently say to myself, “Be here now.” I know that everything is just fine here in the present moment. Then I smile.
When I’m feeling depressed, I stop and take a few deep breaths. I ask my True Self what’s causing my feelings of depression. Then I pause to listen and feel what comes up in my mind and body. Sometimes I’m feeling lonely, and I feel that in my heart. Other times I’m feeling angry and resentful, and I feel that in my chest.
I ask my True Self what I can do to feed and nurture my unmet needs. I no longer hope or expect anyone else to do that for me because it’s impossible. If I don’t give myself what I need first, no one else can do it for me.
If I’m feeling lonely, I remind myself that I am loved, from my own heart and from my family.
If I’m feeling angry or resentful, I notice that I’ve been doing too much for others and not doing enough for myself. I haven’t been taking the time to do things that feed my soul.
Then I make it a priority to bring those soul-filling things back into my life. When I do, the negative feelings dissolve.
Our thoughts, and the feelings those thoughts produce, create our realities. If most of our thoughts and feelings are negative, then much of life is as well. Our thoughts cause us deep suffering through emotional or physical pain, loss and impermanence, and ego attachments. However, this suffering is unnecessary. Why? Because most of our thoughts simply aren’t real or true. They feel real because of the way we attach and react to them. Fortunately, we have the power to change our perceptions and end much of the suffering in our lives through the practice of mindfulness. ~ Peace of Mindfulness by Barrie Davenport
Simple Steps
The next time you’re feeling depressed, anxious or any other unwanted emotion, be gentle with yourself as you walk through these steps:
- Pause: Take a fraction of a second to notice the feeling and label it.
- Be in the present moment: Notice that the source of your emotion is likely your interpretation of the past or a story about an unlikely future.
- Notice what you’re focusing on: What story are you telling yourself? Is it true? Would someone who cares for you agree?
- Change how you see your world: If the stories that you’ve made up aren’t helping you, realize that you’re free to create new stories. Your reality is only as you see it.
- Your world can’t make you happy: Only you can decide to be happy. Nothing outside of you has the power to make you happy, sad or anything else unless you give it the power to do so. Choose your own happiness.
- Don’t try to compensate by overdoing things (work, drinking, drugs, shopping, working out, eating, etc.): This only makes the issues and feelings worse by masking them. Have the courage to feel your feelings and work with them. When you do, they will begin to dissolve.
- Practice every day: These changes don’t happen overnight. It takes daily practice. Some days will be better than others. Don’t judge your progress. Real progress is made in almost imperceptible steps over time. Be patient and persistent. You’re so worth it.
If you’ve used mindfulness to steer you from depression or anxiety, I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments below. Sharing your story helps others.
Here’s a very comprehensive article about depression and ways to deal with it at work and in life: Dealing With Depression At Work: What You Need To Know.